Salesian Literature

Chapter 40:  Advice for widows

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St. Paul instructed all the prelates in the person of St. Timothy saying: Honour the widows who are truly widows (1 Tim. 5:3).  Now, to be truly a widow the following things are necessary:

 

Let the widow be not only a widow in body but also a widow at heart.  So, let her be determined by an unshakable decision to persevere in the state of chaste widowhood.  In fact, widows, who are only such while waiting for a chance to remarry, are separated from men only concerning bodily pleasure.  But they are joined to them according to their will and affection.

 

The true widow could desire to offer her body and her chastity to God by vow, in order to strengthen herself in her widowhood.  She would, then, add a great ornament to her widowhood and maker her decision very secure.  Seeing that after her vow it is not in her power to abandon chastity without losing Paradise, she will be very earnest in her purpose.  She will be so committed to her plan as not to allow even the least thoughts about marriage to remain in her heart even for a moment.  Thus this sacred vow will erect a strong barrier between and every kind of project contrary to her decision.

 

St. Augustine, indeed, greatly urges the Christian widow to make this vow.  Earlier, the learned Origen went further.  He exhorted married women to vow and consecrate their chastity in advance if it were to happen that their husbands died before them.  Thus in between the sensual pleasures they could have in their marriage, they could enjoy all the same the merit of a chaste widowhood by means of this anticipated promise.

 

The vow renders the works done as a consequence of it more pleasing to God.  It strengthens the courage to do them.  It gives not only the works of God, which are like the fruits of our good will, but also dedicates our will itself which is like the tree of our actions.  By the practice of chastity without a vow, we lend our bodies to God, keeping back, however, the freedom to enjoy lawfully sensual pleasures at some other time.  But by the vow chastity, we give our bodies to him as an absolute and irrevocable gift, without reserving to ourselves any power to withdraw it.  Thus we become happily the slaves of Him whose servitude is better than all royal power. I strongly recommend the counsels of these two great persons.  I wish also that those who like to follow joyfully these counsels will do so prudently, holily and firmly.  Let them first examine well their courage, invoke heavenly inspiration and take counsel from a wise and devout director.  Thus all things will be done more profitably.

 

Moreover, this renunciation of the second marriage mus tbe done purely and simply with greater purity.  Thus we direct all our affections to God and unite every part of our heart with that of the divine Majesty.  For if the desire to leave the children rich or some other worldly intention keeps a widow in her widowhood, she will have, perhaps, praise for it but not certainly before God (Rom. 4:2).   Indeed, before God, nothing can have real praise except what is done for God.

 

Further for the widow to be truly a widow she must separate herself from and deprive herself of secular satisfactions.  The widow who lives in delights, says St. Paul, is dead though living (1 Tim. 5:6).  To desire to be a widow and be pleased with being courted, caressed and flattered; to wish to be at balls, dances and celebrations; to like to be perfumed, splendidly dressed and appear pretty, is to be a widow alive in the body and dead in spirit.  What does it matter whether the sign of the Inn of Adonis[1] and of secular love be made of white feathers arranged in the form of a wreath or of a veil spread all over the face in the form of a net?  Thus often from vanity the black is put over the white in order to make the colour stand out better.  The widow, as she had experienced the way in which women may please men, casts the most dangerous allurements before them.  The widow, then who lives in these delights, is dead though living.  Properly speaking she is only an idol of widowhood.

 

The time of pruning has come, the voice of the turtle-dove has been heard in our land, says the Song of Songs (2:12).  The pruning of worldly superfluities is necessary for anyone who desire to live devoutly, especially necessary for a true widow, who like a chaste turtle-dove has just recently wept, sighed and lamented the loss of her husband.  When Naomi came back for Moab to Bethlehem, the women of the town who had known her at the time of her marriage were saying to one another: Is this not Naomi? But she replied: Please, do not call me Naomi, for Naomi means graceful and beautiful but call me Mara, for the Lord has filled my soul with bitterness (Ruth 1:19-20).  She said this as her husband was dead.  Thus the devout widow does not want to be called or esteemed as beautiful, or lovely.  She is satisfied with being what God wants that she should be, that is, humble and lowly in his sight.

 

Lamps burning with aromatic oil emit a more pleasant fragrance when their flames are put out.  Thus the widows whose love has been pure in their marriage spread a greater perfume of the virtue of chastity when their light, that is, their husband is extinguished by death.  To love the husband while he is still alive is quite common among women. But to love him so much after his death that she wants no one else is a degree of love, which belongs only to true widows.  It is not very rare to hope in God while the husband helps and is her support.  But to hope in God when she is deprived of his help is worthy of great praise.  Hence the perfection of virtues practised in marriage is more easily recognized in widowhood.

 

The widow with children who need her guidance and management, especially in spiritual matters and the settlement of their life, cannot and should not abandon them in any way whatever.  For the apostle St. Paul says clearly that they are obliged to this care in order to return the same to their fathers and mothers  (1 Tim. 5:4) and all the more so, if someone has no care for his own, and especially for those of his family, he is worse than an unbeliever (1 Tim. 5:8).  But if her children do not stand in need of her guidance, then the widow ought to gather all her affection and thoughts to direct them more purely to her progress in the love of God.

 

Unless some unavoidable necessity obliges the true widow, in conscience to be involved in external problems such as lawsuits, I counsel her to abstain from them entirely.  Let her follow the method of managing her affairs in a way more peaceful and calm even thought it does not seem to be the most profitable.  For the fruits of anxiety ought to be very great as to be equal to the benefits of a holy tranquillity.  Moreover, lawsuits and such entanglements disturb the heart and often open the door to the enemies of chastity. In the meanwhile, to please those whose favour they need, they have to behave in a way which is not devout and not pleasing to God.

 

Let prayer be the constant practice of the widow.  Since now she should have love only for God, she ought to speak almost always only for God.  A piece of iron, which is prevented from following its attraction to a magnet due to the presence of a diamond, dashes towards the magnet as soon as the diamond is removed.  In like manner, the heart of a widow cannot totally soar up to God nor follow the attractions of divine love while her husband is alive.  Soon after his death, she must run earnestly after the odour of heavenly perfumes.  Let her say in imitation of the sacred Spouse: Lord, now that I am entirely mine receive me as entirely yours.  Draw me after you, we run after the odour of your ointments (song 1:34).

 

The practice of virtues suitable to the holy widow are perfect modesty, renunciation of honours, of ranks, of social gatherings, of titles and similar vanities.  Also it includes serving the poor and the sick, comforting those who suffer, instructing girls in the devout life and giving a perfect example of all the virtues to young women.  Neatness and simplicity are the two ornaments of their garments; humility and charity the two ornaments of their conversation; modesty and chastity, the two ornament of their eyes; and Jesus Christ crucified the unique love of their heart.

 

In short, the true widow is a little March violet within the church.  She spreads an extraordinary perfume by the odour of her devotion.  She remains almost always hidden under the large leaves of her lowliness and by her less brilliant colours testifies to her mortification.  She grows in uncultivated places, as she does not wish to be influenced by the society of worldly people.  Thus she preserves better the freshness of her heart against all the heat which the desire for wealth, honours or even loves could bring to her.  She will be happy, says the holy Apostle, if she perseveres in it (1 Cor. 7:40).

 

I could say many other things on this subject.  But I shall have said everything when I say that the widow, jealous of the honour of her condition, read attentively the beautiful letters which the great St. Jerome wrote to Furian and to Salvia and to many other ladies.  These were so happy to be the spiritual daughters of such a great Father.  Nothing can be added to what he has told them except this warning: the true widow must never blame or criticize those who marry a second or even third or fourth time.  For in some cases, God arranges thus for his greater glory.  It is always necessary to keep in mind this great teaching of the Ancients: neither widowhood nor virginity has any rank in Heaven except that which is given to them by humility.

 

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[1]  Part III, Chapter 38.

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