Salesian Literature

Vol. 1, CONFERENCE 5 : Cordiality or Tender Love for Others and the Spirit of Humility

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Our Mother asks me to speak to you on a subject which is quite well presented in our Rules: how the Sisters ought to love one another with a tender love without giving way to excessive familiarity.

 

I have no doubt that she wants to grasp the full meaning of this cordiality recommended in the Rules.  Once I have explained this, you will understand better when I pass on o the second part of the question that is: The moderation we should exercise in the expression of this tender love.

 

In the first place, I say something particular about what is very well expressed in general terms in our Constitutions to satisfy the desire of our Mother.  What is the tender love with which the Sisters ought to love one another?  To grasp its meaning more fully we must know that this tender love is nothing else but the essence of true and genuine friendship.  This friendship can be found only in rational beings, that is, only in people who cherish and nurture this friendship through REASON.  Otherwise we cannot speak of friendship but only of love.  Now, love can be found even in animals but they are not able to share a friendship with one another, since they are irrational creatures.  Their love is only an expression of their natural instincts.  They can even show love for men.  We have several proofs of this in our day to day experiences.  Several writers have extolled this love in their writings.  There is the story of a dolphin who loved a little child very much.  This dolphin used to see the child frequently on the seashore.  When the dolphin came to know that the child had died, it died of grief.  We cannot, however, call this love friendship since there should be communication between the two who love and friendship is always founded upon reason.

 

I say all this just to prove that people often make friendship without a good purpose.  They are not led by reason and hence it cannot be called friendship.  For example, at this time of Carnival, you will find a group of young fools who make a great display of friendship.  They call each other brothers and do everything to create an impression that they love each other with a strong love.  But all these signify nothing because the basis of their friendship is their plan to perform several things opposed to reason.  There can be no genuine friendship without reason.

 

Besides reason, there ought to be also a certain communication flowing from a common vocation, or objective or virtues among those who join together in all true friendship.  We know this truth from our experience.

 

Believe me, there is no friendship which is more genuine and stronger than that which exists between brothers.  That is why the first Christians in the early Church used to call each other brother.  However, when this initial fervour died out among he ordinary Christians, Religious Orders were founded.  In these Orders it was a Rule to call all the members “Brothers” and “Sisters” as a sign of the sincere, true and warm friendship they have or ought to have for one another.

 

We do not call friendship the love of parents for their children, nor the love of the children for their parents because there is no equality between them but rather difference.  The love of the father is a love that is paternal and authoritative.  The love of the children for their father is a love of respect and obedience.  But the love between brothers is a stable, strong and lasting love of friendship because their love is mutual, reciprocal and their situation equal. There is nothing that can be compared to it; for, all other friendships are either unequal, or entered into through expedience.  So too, s the friendship between husband and wife, based as it is on a written agreement and declared by public notaries or by simple promises; all this is a matter of convenience.  Such are also certain types of friendship entered into by people in the world in view of realizing a particular concern or for some silly reasons.  Hence these friendships are doomed to break up and extinction.  A friendship between brothers is quite the opposite.  It is entered into without any contrivance and therefore is greatly to be recommended.  This being so, it is clear why Religious call one another brothers.  In fact, they have a love which deserves to be called friendship; not any ordinary friendship but a warm, cordial friendship.

 

You will ask me now: what is meant by cordial friendship?  It means that it is a friendship which has its foundation in the heart.  We know that love has its seat in the heart and we can never love our neighbour too much and we can never exceed the bounds of reason in this love, so long as it resides in the heart.  We could, however, fail in the expression of this love, giving in to excesses and ignoring the dictates of reason.  The great St. Bernard used to say: The measure of our love for God is to love him without measure.  We should not put any limit to our love rather we ought to allow its branches to spread as far as they can.  What is said here of God can similarly be said of our love for our neighbour, provided that God’s love always floats above and holds the first place in our heart.  After that, we should love our brothers and sisters with all the expanse of our heart.  We are not to rest satisfied with merely loving them as we love ourselves to which God’s Commandments bind us.  We are to love them more than ourselves to keep the Rule of the Evangelical perfection which demand this of us.  Our Lord himself has said: as I have loved you love one another (Jn. 13:34; 15:12).

 

This indeed is something that deserves deep reflection: As I have loved you, love one another, that is to say: more than yourself!  And just as Our Lord always preferred us to himself and does so each time we receive him in the sacrament of the Eucharist wherein he gives himself to us as our food.  In the same way, he wants us to have such a great love for one another, that we should always prefer others to ourselves.  Similarly, just as he did everything he could for us, except to damn himself (and this he could not possible do, since he was sinless and it is sin which leads us to damnation), he wants us and the demands of the Christian perfection require it, to do all we can for others, except to damn ourselves.  Apart from that, our friendship has to be firm, tender and solid.  We should never refuse to do or to suffer anything for our neighbour and for our Sisters.

 

This tender love has to be accompanied by two other virtues one of which is called affability and the other good conversation.  Affability spreads a certain charm over the serious transactions and dealings we have among ourselves.  Good conversation makes us courteous and pleasant in recreations, and interchanges with our neighbours which are less serious.  All virtues, as I have already pointed out to you earlier, have two opposite vices at either end.  For example, liberality and prodigality at one end and at the other greed and niggardliness.  On the one hand a man who gives away more than he ought to give falls into the vice of prodigality; on the other hand, if he does not give what he can becomes greedy and stingy.  The virtue of affability is found in the middle of two vices, that is, to be solemn and to be too serious and on the other side too much sentimentality and too many expressions of tenderness and words which tend to flattery.  Now the virtue of affability stands in between too much and too little, giving marks of affection when it is necessary depending on the person we are dealing with.  At the same time we maintain a gentle, courteous seriousness, when occasion demands it and according to the people or business we are dealing with.  I say seriously and not in jest that sometime we have to use signs of affection, for example, when a Sister is sick or in pain or some what dejected; this can do her lot of good.  It would not be quite the right thing to remain serious as elsewhere in the presence of a sick person unwilling to comfort her as if she frequently and on every occasion and speak always honeyed words, throwing handfuls of them at the first person we meet.  Just as we spoil the taste of a good dish by adding too much sugar to it and thus make it too sweet and tasteless so too frequent expressions of affection render them unpleasant and ineffective.  Nobly pays any attention to them knowing well that it is mere formality.  The dishes to which we add too much salt become distasteful; similarly those in which there is too much sugar.  But if we use both sugar and salt in moderation the food becomes tasty and delicious.  Expressions of affection given with moderation and discretion become useful and enjoyable to those on whom we bestow them.

 

The virtue of good conversation demands that we promote pure and moderate joy. During the time of recreation, we have a friendly sharing.  This brings comfort and relaxation to our neighbour.  We should take care that we do not bore others with our sullen and gloomy appearance or by refusing to take our recreation during the time assigned to it.  We are not to be like people who want to do things very cautiously and who speak only after a long reflection on every word they have to utter.  They make sure that they have weighed every word well and that they have nothing more left to add.  These people are so afraid that what they do or say may become open to criticism.  They go on examining their conscience on every occasion, not so much to know if they have offended God, but to see if they have given a chance for anyone to underestimate them.  These persons are certainly very unpleasant for those with whom they talk.  They lack very much the practice of the virtue of good conversation which demands that we speak frankly and kindly with our neighbour.  Thus we share what we can to what is needed either for his benefit or for his encouragement.

 

We have already spoken about this virtue in another conference dealing with the subject of MODESTY; that is why I bypass this issue and say that it is always extremely difficult to hit at the centre of the target at which we aim.  It is quite true that we have all to try and get to the heart of any virtue.  We have to desire it earnestly whether it be humility or tender love or any other.  We should not, however, get discouraged if we do not always arrive at the essence of a virtue.  In no case should we ever be surprised at it.  It is enough that we come close to it, that is, as near to it as possible.  It is something which the Saints themselves have not been able to do with regard to all the virtues.  Only Our Lord and Our Lady could do it.  The Saints have practised the virtues in many different ways.  What a great difference there is between the spirit of St. Augustine and that of St. Jerome?  We notice it in their writings.  There never was a person so kind as St. Augustine.  All his writings are suffused with gentleness and suavity … On the other hand, St. Jerome showed a strange harshness, and appeared to be stern.  Look at him, with his long beard, holding in his hand the stone with which he struck himself on the chest… In all his letters, he appears to be almost always ill-tempered.  Nevertheless, both were highly virtuous men, but one excelled in kindness and the other in austerity of life; both however even though they were not equally gentle and ascetic, were great saints.  St. Paul and St. John were also very great Saints, but not equally gentle and mild.  We see the difference of their spirit in their letters.  St. John manifests only gentleness and suavity; hence he always calls those he addresses, my little children because of the great fondness he had for them.  St. Paul also loved those he wrote his letters to, but not with the same tenderness; but nevertheless, with a love which was also strong and firm.  Thus we should not be surprised if we find that we ourselves are not always equally gentle and kind so long as we continue to love our neighbour with the same love of the heart to its full extent as Our Lord himself loves us; that is, more than ourselves, always and in everything preferring our neighbour to ourselves and never refusing to do whatever we can for his welfare except, as we have said, to damn ourselves.  We have, however, to show, as far as possible some external signs of our affection.  It must be in accordance with reason in so far as it demands or allows it: to laugh with those who laugh and weep with those who weep (Rom. 12:15).

 

I say that we should show love to our Sisters without letting our relationship degenerate into unbecoming familiarity. This is the second part of the question.  The Rule tells us this.  Let us see what we are to do in this matter.  All we have to do is quite simply to make our holiness manifest itself in our familiarity and in the signs we give of our friendship as St. Paul says in one of his letters: greet one another, he writes, with a holy kiss (Rom. 16:16; 2 Cor. 13:12; 1 Cor. 16:20).  It was custom in those days to greet friends, when they met, with a kiss.  Our Lord himself used this manner of greeting, as we learn from the betrayal of Judas.  He used this sign to betray Our Lord saying: This one I shall kiss, it is him, catch hold of him (Mt. 26:48-49).  In former times, the Religious, used to say to one another Deo Gratias (Thanks be to God) as a form of greeting and as a sign of the joy they felt at seeing a fellow Religious as if they were saying: I thank God, my dear Brother, for the happiness he gives me in seeing you.  Thus, my dear Daughters, we also should show that we love our Sisters and that we are happy to be with them.  As long as godliness is shown in all the marks of affections that we show them, God is not at all offended, but, on the contrary, he is glorified and praised.  The same St. Paul who teaches us to show our affection in a saintly manner, tells us to do so with warmth.  He gives an example of it: Greet, says he writing to the Romans so and so who knows very well that I love him with all my heart, and also greet the other who should know that I love him dearly as my brother and especially his mother, who knows very well that I consider her as my own mother (Rom. 16:16).

 

You ask, my dear Daughter, whether you should be concerned about laughing in the choir or in the refectory when others laugh, because, they say that you are too serious and you yourself are afraid of lacking in friendliness if you do not laugh.  To this I reply that if it is a question of laughing in the choir, you should do nothing at all to add to the mirth which the others find in laughing there, for that is not the place for it.  But in the refectory, when I notice that everybody is laughing, I would like to laugh with them but if there are twelve persons who don’t laugh at all I would not go out of my way to contribute to their joy.

 

There is always a word to say concerning AVERSIONS: I do not want to spend much time on this subject, since we have already spoken about it on other occasions.  However, we should not be surprised if we do not feel like laughing as heartily when we have some aversion as when we have no aversion at all.  Similarly when we are not feeling well.  In these two situations if we smile a little and do not make a sour face when someone speaks to us, then we ought to be happy.  For when we are deeply moved, it is difficult to appear pleasant with people for whom we have an aversion or when we are feeling really ill.  We have mentioned this several times already and it is quite enough that we know to go ahead with the superior part of our will (higher self) in our march towards perfection and we should not bother about the emotions of the inferior part (lower self).  Otherwise we would be in a continual agitation and anxiety of the spirit and we will not make much progress.  We may allow it to grumble but we should not follow the whims of our lower self.  We must make our reason rule which wishes that we overcome ourselves every occasion so as to be pleasing to God and able to keep this article of our Rule which says that we should love each other cordially.

 

You like to know, my dear Daughter, whether you are to show more love for a Sister whom you think more virtuous than another.  I reply that though we ought to love those who are more virtuous with the love of complacency, we are not obliged to love them with the love of benevolence.  We are not expected to show them any special marks of affection.  I say this for two reasons: the first is because Our Lord did not do it.  Rather it seems that he loved more those who were imperfect for he said: I have not come for the just but for sinners (Mt. 9:13).  We ought to help and express our love to all those who have a greater need of us – for it is here that we show that we love from charity – not those who bring us more comfort than pain.  In this we should help our neighbour according to his need.  Apart from that we try to love everybody equally.  Our Lord did not say: Love those who are more virtuous, rather he said indifferently: As I have loved you, love one another, excluding no one, however imperfect a person may be.

 

The second reason why we should not show any particular signs of friendship to some more than to others and we ought not to love more is that we are not able to judge who is more perfect and more virtuous. For external appearances are deceptive; often those who seem to be more virtuous are not such before God who is the only One able to know it.  It may happen that a Sister whom we see stumble very often and fall into many imperfections is more virtuous and more pleasing to God.  This is because of the great courage which she keeps in the midst of her imperfections not allowing herself to be upset or anxious to see herself so liable to fall or because of the humility and love of her abjection which she draws from them.  It may happen that another Sister who has a dozen natural or acquired virtues which require less practice and effort and as a consequence less courage and humility than the other whom we see liable to fall.

 

Saint Peter was chosen by Our Lord to become the Chief of the Apostles even though he was subject to many imperfections.  He committed one fault or another, for no reason at all on different occasions, following as he did his emotions and attachments (I mean before he received the gift of the Holy Spirit – I do not say anything about what happened after).  In spite of all these defects St. Peter proved to be very courageous.  Our Lord chose him to become his successor and favoured him more than the other Apostles.  No one would be right to say that St. Peter should not have been loved more than St. John or the other Apostles.  No one could say that he was not so virtuous or pleasing to God.

 

Due to the first and second reason that we have given, we must remain in the love that we ought to have for our Sisters as equally as possible.  All should know that we love them with this love of the heart.  Hence it is not necessary to make use of too many words that we love them dearly, that we have a tendency to love them specially and similar expressions.  To have a tendency to love one person more than others and the love we have for her is not more perfect.  Probably it is more liable to change at the least little thing she does to us.  If it is true that we have the inclination to love one more than another we should not entertain this thought, much less tell her about it.  We are not to love them due to an inclination.  Instead we should love our neighbour either because he is virtuous or because of the hope that we have that he will become so.

 

To show that we love them warmly, we must do them all the good we can both spiritual and material, praying for them and serving them lovingly whenever the occasion to do so presents itself.  A friendship that is confined to beautiful words is worth nothing.  It is not loving one another as Our Lord loved us.  The Lord was not satisfied in merely telling us that he loved us; he went much beyond and did all he could prove his love.

 

I have something more to say to you and it is this: A virtue is grafted on to tender love like an extension of this love and this virtue is a childlike confidence.  When little children are given a beautiful pen or anything they think is pretty, they do not rest until they have met all their little friends and shown them their pen and shared their joy with them.  So also they wish that they share their pain for as soon as they have a little pain at the tip of a finger or any stung by a bee they do not stop speaking about it to all they meet so that they can sympathize with them and breathe a little on the hurt.  I do not say that we have to be exactly like these little children, but I do say this: This confidence must enable the Sisters to be unreserved in sharing their little good things and their little consolations with their companions.  Nor should they wish that others do not notice their imperfections.  I quite understand that if we were to have some important experience like the prayer of quiet and so on, then we should not boast about it.  But as regards our little joys and little good things I think that we must not be too fastidious and reserved.  In fact, when the occasion presents itself we are to share frankly and simply among ourselves not in a spirit of boasting but rather with simple childlike confidence.

 

With regard to our defects, we need not go out of our way to cover them up.  Because we do not allow them to be seen exteriorly by others does not mean that our defects become better for that.  The Sisters will not, in any case, believe that you have no imperfections at all.  Rather they would be more dangerous and still worse if they were to be found out and cause you shame just as to those who allow them to appear externally.  We should not, then, be surprised or discouraged if we commit some faults before our Sisters.  On the contrary, we should be quite happy when we are seen for what we really are.  I have made a mistake and done something foolish, that is true; but I have done so in the presence of our Sisters who love me dearly and hence will readily bear with my fault.  They would rather have compassion on me than be annoyed at me.  And thus, this confidence will greatly enhance and nourish the warmth of love an peace of heart which are liable to be lost when we are found failing in something however small it may be as if it is a great marvel that we are seen as imperfect.

 

To conclude this talk on tender love, I ask you to remember always that for a small failure in gentleness that one commits sometimes through inadvertence, we should not get upset or think that we do not have this tender love.  A little gesture here and there of a lack of love provided it is not frequent does not make one vicious, especially, when one is determined to correct oneself.

 

The Spirit of Humility

The question you put to me now is very important, my dear Daughter; You ask me: What does it mean to do everything in a spirit of humility as our Constitutions direct us to do?

 

Before answering you question I would like to say a few words which will help you to understand it better.

 

There is a difference between pride, the habit of pride and the spirit of pride.  You commit an act of pride: that is pride; you do some proud actions on every occasion and every time you meet someone, that is the habit of pride.  When you take delight in doing acts of pride and look for opportunities to do, that is the spirit of pride.  Similarly there is a difference between humility, the habit of humility and the spirit of humility.  Humility is to do some action to make oneself humble.  The habit of humility is to make acts of humility at all occasions and every time you meet someone.  The spirit of humility is to find joy at being humiliated, seek abjection and humility in everything.  It means that in all that we do and desire, our sole aim is to humble ourselves and to lower ourselves.  We are to be happy to be in contact with our own lowliness at every opportunity and love dearly even the thought of it.  This is indeed doing everything in a spirit of humility.  It is the same as seeking humility and abjection in all things.

 

You ask me: Whether it is failing in humility to laugh at the faults which the Sisters confess in public or the mistakes made by one who reads in the refectory?

 

Not at all!  my dear Daughter, laughter is an emotion which stirs up without any consent from our part and it is not in our power to prevent it especially as we laugh or are moved to laughter in unforeseen circumstances.  That is why Our Lord could not laugh, because nothing was unforeseen by him.  He knew everything that was going to happen. But he could certainly smile and smile he did deliberately.  Fools laugh on every occasion because everything surprises them since they have not foreseen them.  Wise men, however, do not laugh easily for they make use of their reason.  The use of reason enables us to foresee events even before they take place.  All things being considered, it is not against humility to laugh provided of course that we do not go further either thinking of about it or telling others about what made us laugh.  We should not do that, especially when we have been laughing about the imperfection of other people.  This goes against the spirit of the other question you have asked: What means should we take to conceive and preserve in us a great respect for our neighbour?  You cannot conceive nor keep up respect for your neighbour except in the fidelity you show in acknowledging his virtues and ignoring his defects.  As long as we have no authority over others we must never observe their imperfections, still less think of them.  Charity, says St. Paul, runs away from evil (1 Cor. 13:5).

 

We should always give a positive interpretation to whatever we see our neighbour doing; when there is even a grain of suspicion, we have absolutely to turn away our attention from it.  I mean when it is a question of doubtful things we should convince ourselves that what we have seen is no evil; rather it is our own imperfection which gives rise to such thoughts.  Thus, we have to avoid making rash judgements about other people’s actions, a really dangerous evil which we should detest with all our heart.  I propose to you the lovely example of St. Joseph.  He noticed that Our Lady was with child; he did not know how that had happened.  Nevertheless, he did not wish to judge her.  He left the matter of judgement in God’s hands.  In things which are obviously evil, we have to show compassion and humble ourselves at the sight of the defects of our Sisters as if they are our own.  Also keep on praying to God earnestly for their amendment as we would do for our own, as if we were inclined to committing the same faults.

 

What else is there for me to say?  - You ask: How can we acquire this spirit of humility in the way that has been explained?

 

Alas! My dear Daughters, there is no other means at our disposal except to reflect on the beauty of this virtue and on its usefulness so that we may take delight in practising it faithfully on all occasions.  There is no easy way of acquiring this spirit of humility except the way of all other virtues which are gained only through repeated acts.

 

Now before we conclude I have to tell you not to take what I have said by way of simple advice as some binding directives and that you are expected never to commit any faults.  For example: with regard to what I told you recently, that you should always eat the food that is placed in before you in the order that is served must not be taken strictly.  If it happens that you are served hot porridge to start with and a Sister does not like it hot, she may very well leave it aside for it to cool down.  Similarly, a Sister who does not like to eat it cold imagining it may taste like gum may eat it hot.  You should not complain about our Father by saying: He has said this and he has said that.  The poor Father is not asking you to burn your tongue – in any case we should not do it.  We must go about in simplicity.  If a Sister really feels a disgust she may choose.  Let her choose and take something else which she can eat better.  Those who wish to observe willingly and faithfully all I say and have said recently will do well to do so, others who do not feel like it are not in any way obliged to do it.

 

Similarly regarding things I said about our love being equal towards all our Sisters; that we should not love one Sister more than another.  What this means is that we try our best.  It is not possible for us to have as much warmth in the affection we bear for those with whom we do not have the same feelings of union and sharing as we would have with others for whom we feel more sympathy.

 

The great St. Bernard commenting on the words of the Psalmist (132:1) ecce quam bonum – How good it is to see brothers living together in unity, says that this union resembles the precious ointment that was poured on the head of the High Priest Aaron.  It was prepared by mixing all the perfumed oils they could find.  He wants to tell us that the cordial love which the Religious bear for one another, and this union they have among themselves is a precious ointment composed of virtues of each of the members.  In fact everyone has some virtues which are like fragrant oils.  These virtues are fused into one by tender love and together they become an ointment which is so precious that it is worthy, due to the good scent, to be poured on the head of the High Priest, Jesus Christ, Our Lord.  It spreads before him an incomparable sweetness and make sure that the Sisters who live in this desirable union, are extremely pleasing to him and worthy of their vocation.

 

May everything be to the praise and glory of Jesus Christ, of the Blessed Virgin Mary and the glorious St. Joseph.

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